Fabricating Furniture
by Aletta-Feather
Summary: Frasier and Niles attempt a practical task, but not all goes according to plan. One-shot.


Fabricating Furniture

"Dad always assumes we can't excel when it comes to practical matters. We'll show him this time!" Niles is getting worked up about a conversation they had with Martin this morning. The Crane brothers are standing in a forest in front of a tall yet slender tree, determined to succeed. Both carrying a chainsaw, Niles almost unable to, protected by their safety glasses, they look at the tree and pull the starter rope. The sound hurts their ears, but they will complete this task!

* * *

How it all began…

The brothers are sitting at the kitchen table discussing the latest trends in interior design. Maris had pointed out a beautiful coffee table made out of wood, very now, very expensive, earlier that morning. She had strongly suggested that she would be tremendously pleased if Niles could get her one. Remembering several unpaid bills, Niles wasn't too eager about the idea. This had resulted in a not amused Maris and a downtrodden Niles who had eventually fled to a sanctuary: his brother's apartment.

Frasier is admiring the pictures. "These really are fantastic," he says enthusiastically, pointing out several pieces of furniture to his sullen brother, "look at this cupboard, and this little table. You know," he continues, becoming even more excited, "that little table would be perfect, just perfect, for my new acquisition. Have I told you about the Ming vase I bought Wednesday?" "Yes, a million times," Niles sighs, but Frasier has already begun and is unstoppable. "It's a 15th century Ming vase, probably made around 1427, which makes it one of the first ones crafted with a new technique to stop the cobalt from..," "bleeding." Martin finishes the sentence for him as he walks into the kitchen. "Oh, and by the way Niles, did you know that Xuande who reigned at that time was also an artist whose work is portrayed in the Arthur M. Sackler Museum in Cambridge," he adds irritated as he gets a beer from the fridge. "Dad, it's still morning," they say simultaneously. "Can't a man drink a beer in his own kitchen, on a sunny Saturday," Martin responds grumpily. "Perhaps I'll take Eddie to the park, to get a break from this Chinese history course that I've been forced to listen to all week."

"Well, have a look at this then, dad, it's perfect for the Ming vase, don't you agree?" "At those prices?" Martin rolls his eyes, but takes a closer look all the same. "This seems very basic, like something the average guy could make himself," he comments. "Maris is interested in the coffee table," Niles says, "but I can't really see the appeal myself." "You must not be looking properly," Frasier responds, "It's the combination of sophistication, like a beautiful vase, and pure, raw wood that is so appealing. Surely you can see that, can't you?" Niles shakes his head, unwilling to share his real reason for hating this particular coffee table.

* * *

And so they ended up, that afternoon, in the woods, armed with chainsaws, with the intention to fell a tree. Martin had made a few remarks on how simple and easy it was. How practical people would have no trouble making it themselves. How it could save costs and be a satisfying experience at the same time. Niles had caught on at first, Frasier a little later and soon they had entered an argument with their father about their, the Crane brother's, ability to make these pieces of furniture themselves. Claiming that the Ming vase had probably been crafted by a very practical and skilled Chinese craftsman who would be appalled to know that his vase would now be in possession of a ham-handed butterfingered doctor-of-the -mind had been the proverbial straw.

Unhindered by any knowledge of cutting down trees, they started to attack the tree with their chainsaws. Soon the tree started swaying and it was nothing short of a miracle that they did not obstruct it on its journey down. "Gravity has done its work once more!" Niles exclaimed triumphantly. The brothers cut the tree into bits they can carry, without measuring anything, and soon the car is stuffed with it.

* * *

Back in the apartment, they consult the magazine for instructions. Unfortunately the article only provides a few general rules—an image saying more than a thousand words—as most of the page is filled with glossy pictures of various tables and cupboards. "It does mention the option handicraft for 'the adventurous spirits' but no clear explanation." Frasier says frustrated. "Perhaps that's what's so adventurous about it," Niles smirks. "You'll stop laughing when you see Maris tonight," Frasier retaliates.

Two hours later, the brothers are sipping some wine. They can use some liquid courage at a moment like this. Their projects are not in good shape. Frasier's little table is far from stable and the coffee table provides splinters instead of aesthetics. They hear Eddie's feet in the hallway. "Just what we need; dad mocking us again," Niles murmurs. "It's like we're back at school," Frasier agrees, "It was one of those horrible subjects. No A's for us." He shudders at the memory. Martin shuffles into the living room and starts laughing at his two sons amidst a sea of wood. "It's not funny!" "Oh, yes, it is…"

Another two hours later, Frasier and Niles are eating their take-away, whilst Martin and one of his friends are trying to save the furniture. "It really is a mess," Toby says a little crabby, "I thought your sons were smart, wise, and sensible…" "Unfortunately, not always," Martin replies, "they can be quite… ignorant. Leave some for us, will you?" he shouts at the two. "Forest air makes for a good appetite, dad." "So does fixing your sons' problems." "I wouldn't necessarily call it problems," Niles protests. "Well, how would you call a dismembered, mutilated tree, spread out over your brother's floor, not to mention his precious Persian carpet?" "What is that about my carpet?" Frasier panics slightly. "It probably won't fly anymore, I'm afraid to say," Martin answers, grinning wickedly.

* * *

Frasier enjoys his new little rough-around-the-edges table. It is a perfect contrast with his Ming vase. Too bad it took the sacrifice of his carpet. Still, it has provided him with an adventurous day, indeed. Maris is praising Niles for his skills and simply loves her new coffee table. He happily accepts her compliments. I should buy dad a present, he thinks , to show my gratitude. Perhaps he could plant a tree in his name.

* * *

AN: With thanks to Wikipedia for information on the Ming dynasty and its vases.


End file.
